I’m sitting in silence for no reason other than I have neglected to put anything on to listen, and thus, the only thing in my head is Meshell Ndgeocello’s cover of Ralph Tresvant’s “Sensitivity.”
I went back through previous 8:14s to get worked up for this, because the format is actually really fun and neat and I hate myself for not sticking to it as much as I ought to have. It’s fun to do this–the time is so odd and (if you don’t know me) arbitrary, and remembering that I thought of this the year I turned 30 (and expected to write one of these every day, and the fact that after damn near eight years, I haven’t broken 100) makes me laugh.
My lack of follow-through will kill me in the end.
I’m here now because I am sad, I am tired of carrying weight and being saddled with others who are incapable of doing so. Maybe that’s a rude statement; I’m able-bodied and able-minded and, while I’m not a young man anymore by any stretch of the imagination, I am able to carry myself with enough energy to delude people into thinking I am one, so maybe it’s impolite to wish everyone else would just carry themselves for a while.
I’m tired of carrying the weight of people not caring or appreciating the work that goes into doing what I do, which isn’t really that much of a thing (again: able-bodied, etc.), but nonetheless somehow seems to be more than what others are capable of doing without aggressively blaming others for their lives not turning out the way they want them to be. Being a dad, being a strict parent, being a supervisor, being a caretaker, being Black, being a Black man, being the Black son of a white parent, being the Black parent of a white-passing Black son, being the Black parent of a non-white-passing son, living around white people, living with white people, working with Black people, navigating Blackness, working with strippers, working in the strip-club industry, working in bars, keeping dancers safe, keeping customers safe, keeping my day job clients safe, keeping my day job colleagues safe, keeping my friends safe, keeping my kids safe, keeping my wife safe.
Keeping myself safe.
All of this is a load I chose to carry, and it’s heavy, and I’m okay with it. But it’s heavy, and difficult, and I’m sick of people ignoring that weight and trying to add to it because they’re angry about the weight they have to carry.
Time’s up.
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