I had something of a breakthrough the other day when I realized that, despite the fact that I was feeling incredibly down and sullen, the reason why I was feeling so down and sullen was that I was feeling something again.
Not in that general “well, I realize I need to do something now” kind of way, the going through the motions I go put myself through when I go to work; now, I actually was, in fact, feeling. That realization, coupled with the fact that I knew I was actually going somewhere with my artistic endeavors, led me to realize I was actually doing okay, that I’d gathered the disparate threads of me and pulled myself back into myself. That I had, as I would later call it for the sake of brevity, found myself again.
It was a good feeling, knowing that I was actually doing okay by myself, even if I was here in Iowa, and the empty lonely feeling wasn’t me being empty so much as me being unfulfilled. That’s in a good way, I suppose, although there are some bad aspects to it that do require some attention.
But still, I’m content with how I feel about myself as a writer, about myself as a person, about myself as a singer and thinker, and about myself as a friend. I’ve confirmed completely that I have some of the greatest people I could ever ask for as close as the other end of a telephone, and it makes me feel better. Knowing that I can actually be of use to someone just be being myself is a liberating feeling; knowing I can actually be of use to myself is a breakthrough I hadn’t counted on while living here. Feeling good in such a weird spot was…confusing. Still is.
There is the other thing of where I’m at emotionally–that I’m lonely and exactly why that is–that is a tale for less-public forums.
a moment to think or just speak or just type in which you invade, the serenity of my misery you invade. the want is a want, no more than that, but the kind of want that reminds me of exactly why I want in the first place, and I wish you could feel this, but I’m terrified you don’t want to, so that’s why this will be kept here.
Time’s up.
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